(no subject)
Feb. 2nd, 2004 09:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holytoastrYesterday my friends threw a superbowl/birthday party for me. That was really nice of them. They even got me a giant cookie instead of a cake. And I got lots of very cool gifts. But it wasn't all happy for reasons I'd rather not discuss here. Though, I don't believe the person involved is actually aware of what that person is doing. *sigh*
That being said, I nearly cried before halftime. But I was good and kept it all inside myself because everyone had worked so hard for me. It's not fair to everyone else to be sad when they tried so very hard to make me happy. I tried so hard. With every muscle in my body.
I managed to hold out until I got to my room where then I just fell apart. Ariana was worried about me and let me talk to her about what was bothering me. I wanted to tell another friend of mine what was going on so that she knew I wasn't mad at her. But that blew up in my face. Sometimes I don't know why I try. So then, I decided that if this was how it was all going to be, I at least didn't want my friend talking about this other person and about the things they do together. It hurt me very badly when she does that. I didn't think that was an unresonable request, but she seemed to--saying we have a censored friendship now. I don't see how that is so, I see it as common curtesy for one's friend, since what is being said obviously is causing pain. Well, whatever. Nothing worked and I felt worse than before.
I was in such a terrible condition that I called kelly. And cried to her for 2 hours. And I apologized for not being happy at my party, which she said was ok because she saw what was going on too. I wish people could see themselves through others eyes. Then they'd realize how they are actually treating people, rather than what they think they are doing. Kelly let me cry to her about so much. And she told me that she tried to speak to my friend just as I had and it didn't work for her either. It was like a broken record, he has always been kind to me, which because she doesn't know that he does this to every new woman he meets has blinded her to what her friends try to say. That has to be the worst, ungrammatical sentence I've ever written.
So of the two people that can make the difference, one refuses to see and the other I have yet to contact. I hesitate to do so though, because that is like pulling out the heavy artillery. But I may, because I need someone that the person will take seriously since I really do believe that that person doesn't know what that person is actually doing. It's hard to see oneself through one's own eyes.
I've started feeling sick again. To the point where I can't eat anymore. And I don't want to sleep because all I have are bad dreams. I'm sorry. I know I'm being selfish, but I just wanted to be happy for my birthday. I...I don't know.... Nevermind.
That being said, I nearly cried before halftime. But I was good and kept it all inside myself because everyone had worked so hard for me. It's not fair to everyone else to be sad when they tried so very hard to make me happy. I tried so hard. With every muscle in my body.
I managed to hold out until I got to my room where then I just fell apart. Ariana was worried about me and let me talk to her about what was bothering me. I wanted to tell another friend of mine what was going on so that she knew I wasn't mad at her. But that blew up in my face. Sometimes I don't know why I try. So then, I decided that if this was how it was all going to be, I at least didn't want my friend talking about this other person and about the things they do together. It hurt me very badly when she does that. I didn't think that was an unresonable request, but she seemed to--saying we have a censored friendship now. I don't see how that is so, I see it as common curtesy for one's friend, since what is being said obviously is causing pain. Well, whatever. Nothing worked and I felt worse than before.
I was in such a terrible condition that I called kelly. And cried to her for 2 hours. And I apologized for not being happy at my party, which she said was ok because she saw what was going on too. I wish people could see themselves through others eyes. Then they'd realize how they are actually treating people, rather than what they think they are doing. Kelly let me cry to her about so much. And she told me that she tried to speak to my friend just as I had and it didn't work for her either. It was like a broken record, he has always been kind to me, which because she doesn't know that he does this to every new woman he meets has blinded her to what her friends try to say. That has to be the worst, ungrammatical sentence I've ever written.
So of the two people that can make the difference, one refuses to see and the other I have yet to contact. I hesitate to do so though, because that is like pulling out the heavy artillery. But I may, because I need someone that the person will take seriously since I really do believe that that person doesn't know what that person is actually doing. It's hard to see oneself through one's own eyes.
I've started feeling sick again. To the point where I can't eat anymore. And I don't want to sleep because all I have are bad dreams. I'm sorry. I know I'm being selfish, but I just wanted to be happy for my birthday. I...I don't know.... Nevermind.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-02-02 08:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-02 09:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-02-02 10:37 am (UTC)have you thought about maybe talking to a counselor about all this? It sounds like you have a lot going on and you might really be relieved to have a totally impartial person to run this all by. I don't know if your school offers free counselling, but I think most do... if so, it's worth looking into.
Not trying to say you're crazy or anything... I'm just worried about you. You sound *way* stressed.
Also, I know you know this, but especially at crisis time, it's really important to take time for stress relief. Take some you time.
And you have my screenname if you ever want to vent to someone really random. :)
Good luck...
Re:
Date: 2004-02-02 01:06 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2004-02-02 02:20 pm (UTC)It may be worth a look for yourself... but obviously don't do it if you're not comfortable.
no subject
Date: 2004-02-02 11:45 am (UTC)