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Feb. 14th, 2004 12:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holytoastrYesterday I waited for things to get better and they didn't. So I had to find someone else who knew the other side of the story. Then I wrote a letter on how actions made me feel. I wish I could give up on this but I care too much.
Then I went shopping with jenny. I very rarely buy stuff for myself, usually only when I'm massively depressed. Well, it had got to that point. We went to payless and I plurged on 2 new pairs of shoes. One pair looks like sneakers but is clear plastic and has large holes in it. I bet the holes are drainage holes. I shall wear them on days when campus floods. The other pair were bootlets. Cute ones with a lace-up decoration on the back. I wore them all evening to break them in. I'd like to wear them today.
Then we went to walmart where I could not find a nice new pair of pants. But I did find the iron on sheets I need for today. And I got t-shirts, though they are too big. Oh well, they will do.
Afterwards, I went with jenny, katie, maryanna, and um, i think his name was josh, to waffle house. I have stopped eating again, so I was unusually hungry and actually ate nearly all my food. The waiter was slightly less intelligent than a cow, but that was the only real annoyance of the evening. Unfortunately, I was really tired and kept passing in and out of conversation on the way back. So rather than stay up to watch a movie, I went home and to bed. I literally passed out, with out even changing my clothes.
This morning I woke up and ran to rite-aid. It was really beautiful out. And while I was walking I found a moment of peace. But it was a brief moment--gone too soon. I spent a long time thinking in the shower. About love and friendship and why I can't seem to give up over this.
I love, but am not in love. I'm not sure really how to explain it in words. It rests somewhere between the person's soul and existance. I feel comfortable somewhere in there. And that is the part I hold in my heart. Whether that person wants to be there or not. And once I put that person there, it's hard for me to let go. It would elave a huge empty space. I have placed that person's being into my own. And to lose that, I would lose part of myself. I know, it's not a very good explination. I don't really ahve the vocabulary for this.
Anyway, I'm looking outside and it's raining. Again. I hope it stops by this evening. I'm going out no matter what, but I'd prefer being dry. I think I'm going to paint my nails soon. And if the weather clears, possibly do some makeup. I don't want to be myself today.
I find valentine's day to be a horribly shallow holiday. If one truly loves someone else, they should show it every day of the year. This day only reinforces the cultural belief that a person must have a partner in order to be valid in society. Culturally, we are not encouraged to be single. We are not encouraged to be happy with ourselves. We need the love of someone else to feel like a full human being. To be single is to be alone and unaccepted.
I am single and I have friends and I love and, barring certain current situations in my life, I am happy. I am a full human being. I will not have others make me feel otherwise.
Strangely, the post written with the most anger in my heart is also the one with the most love in it. I don't know. I am a confused person.
And you, answer my email. Or talk to me. Or something. I can tell when you're enxt door, I can smell you. (You might want to use a bit less, dear.) I am determined to work this out, at least with you.
Then I went shopping with jenny. I very rarely buy stuff for myself, usually only when I'm massively depressed. Well, it had got to that point. We went to payless and I plurged on 2 new pairs of shoes. One pair looks like sneakers but is clear plastic and has large holes in it. I bet the holes are drainage holes. I shall wear them on days when campus floods. The other pair were bootlets. Cute ones with a lace-up decoration on the back. I wore them all evening to break them in. I'd like to wear them today.
Then we went to walmart where I could not find a nice new pair of pants. But I did find the iron on sheets I need for today. And I got t-shirts, though they are too big. Oh well, they will do.
Afterwards, I went with jenny, katie, maryanna, and um, i think his name was josh, to waffle house. I have stopped eating again, so I was unusually hungry and actually ate nearly all my food. The waiter was slightly less intelligent than a cow, but that was the only real annoyance of the evening. Unfortunately, I was really tired and kept passing in and out of conversation on the way back. So rather than stay up to watch a movie, I went home and to bed. I literally passed out, with out even changing my clothes.
This morning I woke up and ran to rite-aid. It was really beautiful out. And while I was walking I found a moment of peace. But it was a brief moment--gone too soon. I spent a long time thinking in the shower. About love and friendship and why I can't seem to give up over this.
I love, but am not in love. I'm not sure really how to explain it in words. It rests somewhere between the person's soul and existance. I feel comfortable somewhere in there. And that is the part I hold in my heart. Whether that person wants to be there or not. And once I put that person there, it's hard for me to let go. It would elave a huge empty space. I have placed that person's being into my own. And to lose that, I would lose part of myself. I know, it's not a very good explination. I don't really ahve the vocabulary for this.
Anyway, I'm looking outside and it's raining. Again. I hope it stops by this evening. I'm going out no matter what, but I'd prefer being dry. I think I'm going to paint my nails soon. And if the weather clears, possibly do some makeup. I don't want to be myself today.
I find valentine's day to be a horribly shallow holiday. If one truly loves someone else, they should show it every day of the year. This day only reinforces the cultural belief that a person must have a partner in order to be valid in society. Culturally, we are not encouraged to be single. We are not encouraged to be happy with ourselves. We need the love of someone else to feel like a full human being. To be single is to be alone and unaccepted.
I am single and I have friends and I love and, barring certain current situations in my life, I am happy. I am a full human being. I will not have others make me feel otherwise.
Strangely, the post written with the most anger in my heart is also the one with the most love in it. I don't know. I am a confused person.
And you, answer my email. Or talk to me. Or something. I can tell when you're enxt door, I can smell you. (You might want to use a bit less, dear.) I am determined to work this out, at least with you.
