(no subject)
Mar. 14th, 2002 08:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holytoastrWheee! So BORED!!!!
And now, The Realm of Niftyness shall amuse you! (As well as me!)
Americans would be a lot less obese if we all agreed to do a whimsical little dance instead of saying "Hello."
Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you?
Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.
Whenever I'm having a bad day I like to remind myself of the madness that would ensue if our currency system was based on live insects.
Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"
If hand cream soothes hands and face creams soothe faces, why isn’t whipped cream doing anything for all of the bleeding lacerations on my back?
If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights. That will really freak out my neighbors.
It's probably a good idea that no one has marketed a special coffee just for ferrets, cuz man, those things are jumpy enough already.
If the WB and UPN can have news shows, why can't the Sci-Fi channel? I think it would be cool to see the anchors fight off aliens and teleport around while informing me about national events.
Did you know that anything within a six-foot radius of a toilet gets covered in microbes every time you flush? Happy brushing!
Sometimes I lay awake at night, pondering where Pauly Shore is at that exact moment and wondering why no one has shot him yet.
Political correctness is ruining our society. Especially our board games.
"Extremely Malnourished Hippos" just isn't the same.
I think Superman would be cooler if he was the Man of Reinforced Plexiglass.
Bullets would still bounce off, but we'd get the added bonus of seeing real superhero internal organs.
If our planet is just part of a huge body of stars, I hope we're in a cool spot. We could hang up a big banner that says "Welcome to the Universe's Spleen" or something.
You gotta hand it to those cardboard engineers. They came up with a cool word like "corrugated" that basically means the same thing as "folded a bunch of times"
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a valuable lesson in trust
Every rose has its thorn, except for those new genetically altered ones that have teeth and a taste for human flesh. I’d rather deal with the thorns, personally.
I bet the world would be a happier place if we all spoke in exaggerated Australian accents.
I love call-waiting. What other service manages to consistently anger half the people using it?
I bet I could sell carbonated urine if I gave it a cool name and a catchy jingle.
Sometimes I just stare into the sun, marveling at its powers and gentle grace that warms the Earth and allows for life itself.
Then I stop and think "Good God, I've blinded myself again!"
Here's a fun fAct fOR everyeveryone:
It: onli tAKEES crAck FIvE
sEcseconds tO GEt Tto: YoOUr BrAinain.
If there are no weight limits in hockey, why aren't there
more 900-pound goalies?
If you order just fries, will they still ask if you "want fries with that?"
Sometimes I wish I was a cartoon superhero. Not for the whole "super powers" thing though, but mainly because they never have to work or go to the bathroom.
Mom always said "You are what you eat."
Dad told me "You can be anything you want if you set your mind to it."
So I ate a pony.
Ever notice how Ricky Martin's jaw is always open? It must be amusing to watch him eat.
Did you ever notice how no one on Star Trek every goes to the bathroom? I want to see the invention they keep under those Lycra outfits.
convention, I broke up a few free software cds into pieces and made a sign that said "Free - Take One." Over a dozen people did. If Microsoft has enough clout to get their own Windows Key on every new keyboard, isn't it about time for them to condense CTRL, ALT, and DELETE into one easy key?
I think it's funny that honey is really just bee vomit. Eat up, kids!
Whenever I play Monopoly with friends, I always keep a large bucket of water
handy. Then I warn to them that it's typhoon season, and whoever owns
Boardwalk is in for some trouble.
Remember that guy on PBS that used to wear that bodysuit with all the organs
on it? I bet he really freaks people out when he wears that thing while
making fries at Burger King these days...
If I ever get rich enough to build a tower, I am going to label all the floors backwards, starting with the lobby as floor 99. That'll really mess
with peoples' heads!
With that new "Bats!" movie coming out,
it seems that Hollywood is almost out of evil animals to use in movies.
I'm still waiting for "Night of the Death Ferrets" though!
If I ever become a movie critic at some tiny newspaper, I am going to print insanely nice reviews so that they'll print them in all the movie trailers.
Example: "Ka'Zamm 2 is incredible! Shaq's movie career has never been better! A slam dunk for the whole family!"
trudst me:
doint evEr usee yoiur conpuitwer as a jellok miold
I love how computers make every task easier. For instance, while I USED to just waste 6 hours watching TV, I can now waste the equivalent of 18 hours on the internet in those
same six hours!
I hope I can be famous in my lifetime.
Then I hope that after my fame fades, I can host all those cool infomercials.
They may call me weak.
They may call me scrawny.
I like to just think of myself as a "Gap Commercial Candidate"
I love the internet.
Where else could a word as short as "ok" be shortened to "k"
just to save a millisecond of time?
I'm going to make a movie where the bullets actually HIT the hero in the first gunfight.
Then I'll just laugh and tell everyone to get out of the theater.
Yesterday I accidentally drank some "baby formula."
I hope I don't get pregnant.
If I was a pirate, I would be that lazy pirate that stays below while all
the fighting is going on, then comes up and cheers with everyone when we win.
Oh, and I would wear a green hat that said "World's #1 Pirate."
Last week I ate a 5th Avenue bar on 5th Avenue while little kids eating Snickers bars snickered at me. It was probably that whole "irony" thing.
And now, The Realm of Niftyness shall amuse you! (As well as me!)
Americans would be a lot less obese if we all agreed to do a whimsical little dance instead of saying "Hello."
Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you?
Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.
Whenever I'm having a bad day I like to remind myself of the madness that would ensue if our currency system was based on live insects.
Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"
If hand cream soothes hands and face creams soothe faces, why isn’t whipped cream doing anything for all of the bleeding lacerations on my back?
If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights. That will really freak out my neighbors.
It's probably a good idea that no one has marketed a special coffee just for ferrets, cuz man, those things are jumpy enough already.
If the WB and UPN can have news shows, why can't the Sci-Fi channel? I think it would be cool to see the anchors fight off aliens and teleport around while informing me about national events.
Did you know that anything within a six-foot radius of a toilet gets covered in microbes every time you flush? Happy brushing!
Sometimes I lay awake at night, pondering where Pauly Shore is at that exact moment and wondering why no one has shot him yet.
Political correctness is ruining our society. Especially our board games.
"Extremely Malnourished Hippos" just isn't the same.
I think Superman would be cooler if he was the Man of Reinforced Plexiglass.
Bullets would still bounce off, but we'd get the added bonus of seeing real superhero internal organs.
If our planet is just part of a huge body of stars, I hope we're in a cool spot. We could hang up a big banner that says "Welcome to the Universe's Spleen" or something.
You gotta hand it to those cardboard engineers. They came up with a cool word like "corrugated" that basically means the same thing as "folded a bunch of times"
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a valuable lesson in trust
Every rose has its thorn, except for those new genetically altered ones that have teeth and a taste for human flesh. I’d rather deal with the thorns, personally.
I bet the world would be a happier place if we all spoke in exaggerated Australian accents.
I love call-waiting. What other service manages to consistently anger half the people using it?
I bet I could sell carbonated urine if I gave it a cool name and a catchy jingle.
Sometimes I just stare into the sun, marveling at its powers and gentle grace that warms the Earth and allows for life itself.
Then I stop and think "Good God, I've blinded myself again!"
Here's a fun fAct fOR everyeveryone:
It: onli tAKEES crAck FIvE
sEcseconds tO GEt Tto: YoOUr BrAinain.
If there are no weight limits in hockey, why aren't there
more 900-pound goalies?
If you order just fries, will they still ask if you "want fries with that?"
Sometimes I wish I was a cartoon superhero. Not for the whole "super powers" thing though, but mainly because they never have to work or go to the bathroom.
Mom always said "You are what you eat."
Dad told me "You can be anything you want if you set your mind to it."
So I ate a pony.
Ever notice how Ricky Martin's jaw is always open? It must be amusing to watch him eat.
Did you ever notice how no one on Star Trek every goes to the bathroom? I want to see the invention they keep under those Lycra outfits.
convention, I broke up a few free software cds into pieces and made a sign that said "Free - Take One." Over a dozen people did. If Microsoft has enough clout to get their own Windows Key on every new keyboard, isn't it about time for them to condense CTRL, ALT, and DELETE into one easy key?
I think it's funny that honey is really just bee vomit. Eat up, kids!
Whenever I play Monopoly with friends, I always keep a large bucket of water
handy. Then I warn to them that it's typhoon season, and whoever owns
Boardwalk is in for some trouble.
Remember that guy on PBS that used to wear that bodysuit with all the organs
on it? I bet he really freaks people out when he wears that thing while
making fries at Burger King these days...
If I ever get rich enough to build a tower, I am going to label all the floors backwards, starting with the lobby as floor 99. That'll really mess
with peoples' heads!
With that new "Bats!" movie coming out,
it seems that Hollywood is almost out of evil animals to use in movies.
I'm still waiting for "Night of the Death Ferrets" though!
If I ever become a movie critic at some tiny newspaper, I am going to print insanely nice reviews so that they'll print them in all the movie trailers.
Example: "Ka'Zamm 2 is incredible! Shaq's movie career has never been better! A slam dunk for the whole family!"
trudst me:
doint evEr usee yoiur conpuitwer as a jellok miold
I love how computers make every task easier. For instance, while I USED to just waste 6 hours watching TV, I can now waste the equivalent of 18 hours on the internet in those
same six hours!
I hope I can be famous in my lifetime.
Then I hope that after my fame fades, I can host all those cool infomercials.
They may call me weak.
They may call me scrawny.
I like to just think of myself as a "Gap Commercial Candidate"
I love the internet.
Where else could a word as short as "ok" be shortened to "k"
just to save a millisecond of time?
I'm going to make a movie where the bullets actually HIT the hero in the first gunfight.
Then I'll just laugh and tell everyone to get out of the theater.
Yesterday I accidentally drank some "baby formula."
I hope I don't get pregnant.
If I was a pirate, I would be that lazy pirate that stays below while all
the fighting is going on, then comes up and cheers with everyone when we win.
Oh, and I would wear a green hat that said "World's #1 Pirate."
Last week I ate a 5th Avenue bar on 5th Avenue while little kids eating Snickers bars snickered at me. It was probably that whole "irony" thing.
