(no subject)

[holytoastr]

Didn't get as much sewing done yesterday as I would have liked. I had to keep stopping to blow my nose, which always turned into an lj break. Plus I had to sit down a lot from generally being weak and wobbly. But the fabric is mostly together, as well as the lining. They now need to be attached to the waistband. After that, it's all just finishing work.

Sometime around 6 I had a breakdown over various things. I am worried I'm getting fat. I am disappointed that I haven't done anything with my life. I'm depressed that I've been here for almost a year now and have nothing to show for it. And I am scared of my mother.

Mom wants me to visit her for her anniversary. I'd rather die. I hate going home. I am so unhappy around my family. Plus I'd have to take off from work. And there's the cost of tolls and gas. Plus the 7-8 hours driving, just one way. I don't want to do it. I'm scared to tell my mom I don't want to visit her. Ben had to hug me and reassure me that my world wasn't ending. I am not really convinced, but he made me feel better for a little while.

I spent the rest of the evening clinging to him. Ben is sweet and kisses me and hugs me and makes me feel loved.

Unfortunately when I went to bed I had a nightmare about my mother. I was the director of a major film with lots of top actors and it was all very exciting. But my mother disapproved of what I was filming and how I was filming it, so she flew down to the studio and started changing things. She was ruining my entire film. I got angry and threw a tantrum, breaking all my favorite cups.

I was surprised this morning when ben gave me water in one of the cups I thought I broke. But I was kinda dizzy and out of it, so lots of things weren't making sense. The whole room was spinning. I didn't feel better until breakfast this morning. I guess I was hungry.

I think I'm going to go back to bed though. I read the morning news, which is always a bad thing to do if I am emotionally unprepared for it. The world is so broken and full of hate. I never expected to live in a world like this. Maybe I was naive growing up, but I always assumed humanity would progress and try to better itself. Instead I read about hate amendments and soldiers killing innocents in cold blood and women treated as cattle and stolen elections and global warming and all sorts of horrible things. I want to fight all of it, but I don't know how. So I just feel sick and tired and want the world to go away. So I'm going to sleep and pretend things are better than they really are, just for a little while at least.

Comments

[danithesquirrel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're not having a good evening/day. But you are not getting fat. I nearly laughed when I saw that.