Sailor Soldier of Love and Justice

I should have gone back to bed when the zucchini exploded. That should have been a sign to me that the day was not going to go well.

So yes, when I was cleaning out my veggie bag this morning, I picked up a large zucchini. And it exploded in my hands. On my clothes. It was disgusting.

I nearly missed the bus cleaning myself up.

When I got to work, I had several things before me that were all due at the same time. Plus I had a meeting to prepare for. On top of that, the person running the meeting called in sick, so I had to take care of her preparations as well.

As I struggled to get everything done in time, I started to make stupid mistakes. I sent edits for a package that had already been printed. The vendors were freaking out at me and I had no idea why. It took me a while to figure out we were talking about 2 different things.

Things were not less stressful after my meeting. On top of my regular work, several people were also asking for premiums from the basement. And of course, I kept forgetting the key. I am an idiot. So up and down I went a billion times.

After work I picked up veggies. Veggie day is a lot less exciting during a drought.

The train ride home was crowded and delayed. I missed my bus by about 10 minutes. When I finally got a bus, the man sitting next to me wouldn't stop touching me. By the end of the ride I can pushed myself into a tiny ball against the wall with my bags between us to keep him away. First he was rubbing his leg against me. Then he slid over REALLY close to me. Not cool at all. I was going to scream.

I came home to dog urine all over the floor. I cleaned that up. Then I went to sit on the couch and rest for a bit. About 5 minutes later, my dog gets up, walks over to a corner of the room, and vomits all over the floor.

I lost it. I started sobbing and crying and screaming at my dog. Ben was not very comforting either. I hated the entire world.

Eventually I calmed down enough to clean up the vomit. Ben put my dog in her cage to keep her out of trouble. When I finally took her out, I saw she had fleas.

At least I was able to fix that with flea medicine. I hope the fleas go away soon.

I am probably going to go to bed right after dinner. Today was so awful. I want it to end already.

Gah, after the best week ever a little while ago I think the universe is swinging in the opposite direction.

So on saturday I called saturn. They said if I hurried, they could squeeze me in that morning. So I hurried over and they checked out my car. According to them, nothing was wrong so they turned the light off for me. On sunday, it turned back on. *sigh*

Also I overslept sunday so we barely had time to do stuff in dc. And it was raining. We went to the museum of natural history. We looked at dinosaurs, ancient mammals, nature photos, and orchids. It was insanely crowded. There was no room to breathe!

Driving home, the road was flooded so I had to figure out the alternate way home. I'm glad I didn't get lost at least.

After jess and tara left (in the scary doomy rain) I did my taxes. Ben was supposed to help but he was cranky. After taxes I was grumbling about certain people I don't like and how I wish I could do mean things. Ben got mad at me about that. That got me upset and I cried alone in the bedroom until I passed out. Ben brought me some water later and we talked, but he kept getting frustrated with me, which made me cry more. Eventually we had everything figured out, but not before I felt horrible and sick.

Then I had to walk my dog. It had finally stopped raining but the winds were so loud and fast that they made the little forest behind my apt wail. It was a creepy ghost noise. I made my dog take a very fast walk.

Woke up this morning and rushed around to get ready. Forgot about stuff I was cooking on the stove. Learned I put the wrong birth date on my taxes and would have to resubmit them. Tried to take ben to work but realized I forgot to feed my dog. Turned around, fed the dog, took ben to work again. I got to work about 10 minutes late.

I hope I survive the day. :(

[EDIT] Forgot to mention that I OWE taxes this year. I'm not getting anything back! *cries*

I kept crying all day yesterday for absolutely no reason. I'd be sitting there playing a video game or wrapping packages or cleaning and suddenly boom! Tears! Why does my broken brain have to make me be so crazy?

I think I must have been lonely because I stopped crying once ben came home. I'm just an insane lonely girl.

When ben came home we ordered fancy prescription sunglasses. Mine will look like these. But, you know, with lenses in them. Then I will have the power to fight the daystar.

I had a really vivid dream last night that involved a treasure hunt, but now I can't remember it. When I woke up though, I wasn't sure if I was still sleeping or awake.

And I just realized I forgot to check that ben has enough money for the bus today. :( I am a bad girlfriend. I hope he has enough or can find enough around the apartment.

After a stupid day like yesterday, it's no surprise I ended up in the bedroom crying. It doesn't take much to make me cry anyway. I felt useless, unattractive, and ignored...on top of the general frustration with the day and my life.

Ben came in and tried to find out what was wrong, but he was using his frustrated voice. :( It took forever for him to get anything out of me. I hate that voice.

We never really resolved anything. Ben was just able to calm me down. I still feel useless and unwanted.

I wish I wasn't so crazy. Then I could be happy all the time.

That night, I had nightmares about ben leaving me. I tossed and turned all night, kicking off my blankets, so I was cold and couldn't sleep. I don't feel so well today. I wish I hadn't wasted all my sick days on actually being sick. I could have used one today. :(

Last night I suddenly started crying, scared of the whole world. I shamefully ran into the bedroom and hid under the covers like a little kid. I have no clue what was wrong with me. Everything just seemed too big and hard to deal with.

Ben asked me what was wrong but I didn't know so I just kept crying. He left and made dinner for himself and then came back to keep me company. We watched Shaun of the Dead together, which comforted me a little.

Then ben went to go do something, but lied about it. That got me really upset and I cried a bit more before falling asleep. I made him promise this morning to never lie to me ever again. It's the first time he ever lied so I guess I shouldn't be too upset, but I feel like if he starts with little things it'll be easier for him to lie to me in the future over big things. And that really scares me.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible. I felt hot and my throat felt swollen and I was a little sick to my stomach. I took my temperature and got 97.7 so I guess I died last night. At work now I still feel really awful. If I feel any worse, I may go home early. I don't think I have any sick days left though. :(

This weekend was a lot of me feeling sorry for myself. On saturday, ben took me to the bookstore to try to cheer me up. I was sad all day because he wanted some time alone for a nap and I didn't want to leave. In hindsight, I was the unreasonable one. He was only asking for 20 minutes. He's been really tired lately because the wet carpeting is growing mold and making it difficult for him to breath. It keeps him up all night.

Eventually I gave in and let ben get some much needed sleep. While I waited for him, I watched Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch which is absolutely terrible. There's a bunch of mermaid princesses who sing songs to defeat evil. And then they run around and chase boys, but they can't confess their love or anything because they'll turn to bubbles. I'm betting the pink mermaid's boy is actually a merman or something.

Sunday I was feeling sad again. I woke up and made pancakes for ben and myself. Except ben didn't get up for a few more hours so they went cold and nasty. I ended up throwing them out. Then ben needed to study for his networking exam, so I had to leave him alone. I was a distraction.

I tried to sew a skirt, but everything I do makes it more and more terrible. It's starting to look a little better now, I guess. The lace along the edges helped a bit. Looks like a magical girl skirt, a little. While I sewed, I watched Gargoyles. I really wish they had released the last half of the second season.

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I've been having frequent nightmares about ben getting fed up with me and leaving me. Then yesterday I went to wake ben. He got up and left me. It triggered all the sadness from those dreams and I flipped out crying. Ben had to come back and comfort me. I felt so broken.

We spent the rest of the evening together watching tv. Ben let me rest my head on his lap even though it makes it hard for him to get up when he wants to. And he hugged me a lot. I was feeling better after all that.

Unfortunately we stayed up too late last night so this morning ben was running late for work. Which meant I was behind schedule. I wish I could take showers really fast because I really need one. No time though. Yuck.

And now another long workweek. :( At least I've got the office to myself again. But I really need to get started on my work this week. It's not a lot, but it's sooo tedious. I hate busywork.

Last night was a big ball me of getting stressed out. Ben hadn't started cleaning the kitchen like I asked. I guess there was some miscommunication. He thought he could start after I got home. My plan was to come home to a half clean kithen and then swoop in the finish the rest.

So that made me a bit cranky. I took it out on ben by making him go with me to the grocery store. We needed a few ingredients for dinner. We made some fancy broccoli stuff. I didn't like it too much. Too much ginger I think.

After dinner I started crying from the stress and feeling of failure. Ben was annoyed with me, I think, because he left me on the couch alone for probably a whole 5 minutes. Then he came back and talked me out of being sad.

We finished the kitchen once I was able to stop crying. It's not perfect, but it's clean enough. There are no more dirty dishes everywhere or stains on the counters.

I was really tired after all that work and fell asleep pretty fast. But I had a nightmare that I was lost in a house and there was a man trying to kill me. He had a gun and I was really scared that I'd never get to see ben ever again. I woke up crying. Then I had a dream where ben and I were spending time with rockethouse. I kept needing to get things from my room, which happened to be in upstate ny. It took me a whole day to make the trip because I was walking, so I missed all the fun everyone was having.

My dog was bad this morning, even on the leash. I'll leave that at that.

Didn't get as much sewing done yesterday as I would have liked. I had to keep stopping to blow my nose, which always turned into an lj break. Plus I had to sit down a lot from generally being weak and wobbly. But the fabric is mostly together, as well as the lining. They now need to be attached to the waistband. After that, it's all just finishing work.

Sometime around 6 I had a breakdown over various things. I am worried I'm getting fat. I am disappointed that I haven't done anything with my life. I'm depressed that I've been here for almost a year now and have nothing to show for it. And I am scared of my mother.

Mom wants me to visit her for her anniversary. I'd rather die. I hate going home. I am so unhappy around my family. Plus I'd have to take off from work. And there's the cost of tolls and gas. Plus the 7-8 hours driving, just one way. I don't want to do it. I'm scared to tell my mom I don't want to visit her. Ben had to hug me and reassure me that my world wasn't ending. I am not really convinced, but he made me feel better for a little while.

I spent the rest of the evening clinging to him. Ben is sweet and kisses me and hugs me and makes me feel loved.

Unfortunately when I went to bed I had a nightmare about my mother. I was the director of a major film with lots of top actors and it was all very exciting. But my mother disapproved of what I was filming and how I was filming it, so she flew down to the studio and started changing things. She was ruining my entire film. I got angry and threw a tantrum, breaking all my favorite cups.

I was surprised this morning when ben gave me water in one of the cups I thought I broke. But I was kinda dizzy and out of it, so lots of things weren't making sense. The whole room was spinning. I didn't feel better until breakfast this morning. I guess I was hungry.

I think I'm going to go back to bed though. I read the morning news, which is always a bad thing to do if I am emotionally unprepared for it. The world is so broken and full of hate. I never expected to live in a world like this. Maybe I was naive growing up, but I always assumed humanity would progress and try to better itself. Instead I read about hate amendments and soldiers killing innocents in cold blood and women treated as cattle and stolen elections and global warming and all sorts of horrible things. I want to fight all of it, but I don't know how. So I just feel sick and tired and want the world to go away. So I'm going to sleep and pretend things are better than they really are, just for a little while at least.

I thought I had managed to get all my crying out of my system before I came up to NY, but I guess I missed some of it. I was asked to be one of the pallbearers (they wheel the coffin on a cart now) for my grandma, and while walking up to the altar with the coffin, I completely fell apart. I barely made it all the way. Stupid stupid me.

I'm not sure if it was grief, anger at my brother who said some horrible things to me, the sappy church music, or exhaustion from the previous days. Maybe it was a nasty combination of them all.

I stopped crying once the church ceremony started, refueled by my hatred of the catholic church. This priest pretty much said life on earth was worthless and the whole reason we are here is to go to the great big Disneyland in the sky. Even dad commented later on how crazy it all sounded.

Then I was reading through the church bulletin, and was filled with more hate. They had this full page dedicated to anti-abortion stuff. Without once admitting that in order to eliminate abortion you need to fix the social problems of society, like families that can't afford to feed the kids they have and minority children that are never adopted and are just tossed to the streets at age 18. The bulletin didn't mention anything about helping feed children or find them health care. Nope, it just said abortion was evil and should be illegal. Sorry, but you can't make something like that go away with a simple law.

After the ceremony was over, I had to help bring grandma to the back of the church. That time I made it all the way out the door before crying. But as the professional pallbearers carried her down the stairs, I lost it again.

From there we went to the cemetery where a deacon with an inappropriately comical voice did another little prayer thing. Then we said our last goodbyes and left for lunch.

There I ate too much food. And watched relatives act crazier than usual, probably from grief. Oh, and I think every relative I have, most of which I don't even know, asked me when I was going to get married. I'm not engaged yet and they're already planning my wedding?! (Yes, they were planning my wedding yesterday. Trying to pick the place for the ceremony and the dinner after)

When lunch was over, we went back to the cemetery to see grandma's new home. She's got one of those fancy shelf/tomb things where they put you in a wall. The whole thing is part of this big fancy building full of marble and statues. Way better than being eaten by worms in the dirt. Grandma's on the fifth row, so she's too high the reach but she's easy to see. Grandpa bought the tomb next to hers for the future. But he's paying his off over 10 years, so he can't die until then.

Afterwards we went back to grandpa's where I got to listen to my relatives argue with each other over grandma's financial stuff. They were trying to figure out what bills she had to pay and stuff like that. It was horribly loud. I couldn't stand it and finally had to beg mom to take me home. My ears are still ringing.

I guess I'll go eat some dinner and see if I can call ben (Never mind the nasty things my relatives said about me always talking to ben) and then go to bed. Today was really exhausting.